An Open Letter To Metallica

Dear Metallica,

Hey guys, remember me? Of course you don’t. I’ve never been to one or your shows, I’ve never been anywhere near one of your public appearances, and I’ve never wanted to contact you before. Most of the letters you get probably say either “OMG I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!” or “OMG I HATE YOU FOR SHUTTING DOWN NAPSTER FUCK YOU.” This letter isn’t like that.

I’m writing because recently a number of listeners to my college radio show (”These Colours Don’t Run,” 8-10PM Tuesdays on KDIC, 88.5FM) have called in to request your songs. How rude is that? I mean, they actually think it’s OK to ask me to play your music! Like, no joke.

I was hoping you could help me reason with them. Now that you know that your music is “thin, washed-out,” “unsatisfying,” “unfocused,” “narcicisstic,” and “abysmal,” not even you should expect me to play it on my radio show. Seriously, come on, your latest release, St. Anger, is “an utter mess.”

We all know that you’ll get enough radio play anyway. Those unsuspecting commercial DJs just have to play your shit, even if your new songs are all “eight minutes when they should have been five.” DJs play your song “Denial” (from one of your other albums, I guess) instead.

We just can’t play your songs, and you must understand that. To get the contact information of the listeners who are requesting your music, just respond to this letter.

Yours truly,
chase martyn